gloop.

2007-11-20T01:17:00.000+08:00

moved!

http://www.xanga.com/fingertwistsplit

it's still in the early stages of development (:

FABULOUS FOURTEEN!

boo yeah.

2007-11-16T16:08:00.000+08:00

i'm home alone and stuck with the computer and the tv that was originally enjoyable because of mtv until mtv started blasting horrible songs.

):

and i thank michelle for being my wonderful sms buddy, in times of dire need for communication and interaction with the outside world (: love!

my butt and back are aching from yesterday's training x/ currently envying people who get to play squash now, cos i suddenly have this craving/urge to play squash and train hardcore ~~and not care if i ache like mad or wheeze like every breath was a last~~.

i got a wordpress! but i'll let it out later on. it's more of a feelings kind of blog than an event one so i can get some sort of balance between both (: and wordpress's password/lock-post function is really awesome too :D

my eyesight is going down the drain D: 3 months, and i need a new pair of specs again. not like i wore the old ones. aaargh too much computer and tv!! i agree with my mom.

pizza for dinner, + my long craved for lasagne for tea? late lunch. (: yay!

ah my nail polish seriously sucks, it coagulates into clumps :/ canadian pizza's lasagne is good but not super, but it's super filling >< > haha

wherever you are, wherever you go;

are you perspiring from the irony?

2007-11-15T22:17:00.000+08:00

Today was awesome and funny and tiring and a whole load more x) Had training at Kallang with the really really bored Michelle outside >< 1030 to 6+ at kallang, hahahhaha; talk about hardcore.

Training kinda sucked for me; either I'm used to Palm Spring's court or I just suck. I think/know it's the latter, it's called part delusion, no? anyway I couldn't even hit the ball properly D: And pt was really funny but tiring, dinosaurs in jurassic park ftw! (: but I kind of died after it, so not very fun.

Then we stayed on, the two of us, to watch the national juniors training. It got sleepifying after a while but one match totally woke us up >< hahahha looks like I'm not the only one with an idol, huh? Anyway we both got inspired and motivated so I really hope it lasts, long-term! And I guess you could say we picked up a fair bit along the way too, watching them play.

oh did i mention a really dao senior anywhere? teeheehee x)

Later on when it got really dark Michelle's mom sent me to the taka bus stop and ah gosh. Her vs her mom+aunt = worlds apart. oh oh oh and rich kid! hahahah x) totally. "my mommy keeps going into the LV shop"; "no lah she just buys a few bags" gosh. hahahha, rich kid, i maintain my stand!

so it's the end of the day, but it's not the end of the road;
and we've got a long way ahead; - it's time to make every step worth while.

i'm standing still, amidst the rush

2007-11-14T18:40:00.000+08:00

The past 2 days have been quite eventful (:

Monday
Had training in the morning, then went to Sentosa with Michelle, Tianyi, Jodee and Anthea after that with the intention to organise the stuff for the squash camp. We had lunch at Secret Recipe at Vivo then went there; the luge is cool but I need to go faster hahahah. And camwhoring (on the skylift and everywhere else) ftw xD Watched Game Plan later on which was really funny x) hope the people around us didn't get pissed off with the laughter.

hope you find your shoebag jodee!

Tuesday
Went to Bishan Library to discuss SMP with Dora and Jo. Michelle is so nicely sweet and funny; thanks for your directions! :D The library was freezing and all of us were so stoned :/ SMP seems scary enough, hope we breeze through it.

Wednesday/today
Went out early in the morning to meet Adelle and Joycie to watch Stardust and poor Joycie waited for 1 hour >< sorry! Stardust is really nice anyway, thriller, comedy and romance thrown in together for a nice blend.

i have so much more to blog, so much to say, too many feelings, emotions, and insecurities, and a big headache.

confusion.

another time, maybe.

rgsquash love,

2007-11-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

ahhh i cannot help it i must blog again. maybe it's the magnitude of the love! for rgsquash; it just triggered off 3 posts in a day (: i love rgsquashhhhhhhhh so much it's indescribable. for someone who has stepped in it for less than a year yet been impacted so much, and for someone who has lost out on one year.

the sec1s for being adorable and amusing training mates who never fail to make me laugh,
the sec2s just because; for the appreciation (that make me really want to hug you all), for the inclusion, for everthing <3>;
the sec3s for being so funny and entertaining and nice to suan and funnnnn;
and the sec4s for being nice and funny through all the suanning and the encouragement and silent private trainings?????

this is loveeeeeeeeeeeee, totally.
<333333333333> ahhh, what a warm and fuzzy feelingggggg. :D

2007-11-11T15:24:00.000+08:00

arghh i need a camera!! it's not for materialistic reasons any more, it's for memory's sake.

hmm let's see right now i have... about 40 bucks in $1 and 50 cent coins!
$450-$550 to go?

ahhh.

2007-11-11T14:42:00.000+08:00

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight,

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight,
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

squash sec4 farewell

2007-11-11T00:10:00.000+08:00

I am back! from 3 days and 2 nights of sec4 farewell/squashchalet (: and when i came back home i just plonked on the floor and slept all the way from 1pm to 10pm D: certainly made up for 30mins + 2 hours of sleep for 2 days :D

I am trying to find words to attempt to describe my emotions, hmmm...

I can't tell you what I feel inside now, because I don't really know either. There's emptiness, there's heartache, and there aren't tears yet but they're waiting to be released. It's the sense of loss, and reminiscing before clinging on like a drowning man clings on to grass. Because saying goodbye is so hard, and for some, it's like ripping part of your soul out. And when you hug, you don't want to let go.

but it's not going to work, because it's inevitable.

And on the other hand there is content. I don't deny, I feel lucky; to have met such wonderful people and to mingle with them, people that make saying goodbye to hard.There is a willingness to let go, to some extent, and to start anew, together with everyone else.

and it's going to happen, again; every moment of our lives there are goodbyes.

i don't want to, but what are we to do? cling on to them and clip their wings to prevent them from flying away? it can be fulfilling anyway, to see them fly away and soar.

and who knows, maybe fate will bring about meetings :D

The other part of the chalet was awesome too - not the farewell but the bonding.

I saw so much good in those around me, and I agree that it can be a little demoralising at times. But then again maybe it's a chance, arranged or not, for all of us to learn from one another. Some people have it and some don't, maybe that's the way it works; to bring about diversity, interactions, differences. And you could apply lifelong learning too (cheesy or not xD), because no one is perfect, anyway.

The bonding was just as great, and I think we've all understood each other better through this chalet, through the chats, the gossip, the card games (bridge + asshole taitee <3!), the suanning!!!, the midnight feasts/hungry ghost festivals x) and just being there and through everyone's presence. oh oh and the discoveries too! like how michelle laughs like a lizard (a mating one?). :D

who knew,
rgsquash could be so much love (:

ahhh it all boils down to one thing,
RGSQUASHHHH <33333333333333333

you and me, baby, we've got a slammin' kinda love/

the riddle,

2007-11-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

nice song (: meaningful, too.

...

He said,

Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see... You will see

Then he said,
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

...

He said,
Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see
He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is high over me
Something comes over me
I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world

you and I...

-

keep on moving.

so.

2007-11-04T20:45:00.000+08:00

so... life's been good, and boring. i need mugstuff!

2 days ago my sec 2 life officially ended. teary goodbyes, partings, and a new beginning.
it's been a good year, definitely; and one of trials and tribulations. it's been a crazy experience and we've had joy, fun, and sorrow. and 211 may not be the most bonded class but we've gone through one year together and there are bonds, relationships, love. there's still a pang of loss.

but we've all grown, we've all matured, we're wiser. and looking ahead, maybe next year will be a better year. :D

step by step, heart to heart, left right left
we all fall down like toy soldiers
bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.

"this is not the end. this is not even the beginning of the end. it is, instead, the end of the beginning."

2007-10-31T15:56:00.000+08:00

MY IPOD CAMEEEEE (:

when darkness turns to light,

2007-10-30T00:00:00.000+08:00

bioooooooo enzymes piss me off cos after mugging in the hall with jo I GOT THE QUESTION WRONG >( stupid meeeeeee extreme heat seriously DENATURED DENATURATION booo.

but never mind it's over!

and i've discovered that i've actually began to love literature, maybe not as a subject but the whole idea of looking at things from a totally different perspective, in a different way. from sec 1, where i'd vowed to drop the subject the first moment i could, and now, where it's all coming true and i am dropping it after all, but it feels like a part is gone from what has yet to be a whole.

but it seems that it won't die, not lit; not now, maybe not later.

i think i'm weird. ):
it's all happening, again.

today i awoke on a strange place, at a strange time, and my mind was blank with no idea how i'd gotten there.

IPOD NANOOOOOOOOOOO IN ONE OR TWO DAYS WOOT! : D

2007-10-29T18:50:00.000+08:00

AAAH SHIP FASTER SHIP FASTER!
I AM GOING TO GET YOU WOOTS I AM EXCITED : D

rala

2007-10-29T00:21:00.000+08:00

gosh, am i the only one trying out for rala who doesn't blog literature-ishly, doesn't view literature as life or take a literature approach onto life, prefers the sciences to the arts and is totally left-brained?

maybe i'm just weird.
maybe...

IT'S CALLED STRIKING A BALANCE, YO. (:

do you, do you wanna lose it all?

2007-10-26T20:19:00.000+08:00

do you, do you wanna lose it all?

I haven't been kicked out of math training :O surprise! and I really hope I reach my goals.
11 people for rala, 5 from 211. I have second thoughts.

I should learn to dispel this fear, to learn to be selfish in some sort of way and just look at myself and not compare. Maybe it's influence, maybe it's just inferiority, from scarring experiences.

can't wait to fall in love.

anything more?

2007-10-25T21:03:00.000+08:00

life is unpredictable, i do agree. these events that occur do amaze me.
but.

i'm losing everything. (i think i am, but i'm not)

I can't think now, definitely - I'm too lost, in confusion. And it has happened again; I'm standing at one of those crossroads, these junctions, these decisions and choices I have got to make. I can't see the ends of the roads, I know there isn't one but there is this longing and ~~urge~~ need to know what happens along the way. But I can't see them - is it fog? the fog that makes the future unpredictable?
I don't know, I can't decide.
I think I want people to decide for me, but I don't even know if it's a delusion. It seems to boil down to personal choice, personal interest, everything personal, in the end.
It seems like cowardice, like stupidity, like paranoia.

It's tough,

but I've decided my fate and He will do the rest.

RAARGH with double meanings, haha so apt x) i agree totally with chelly.

-
in love with this song:

The Click Five - Jenny
She calls me baby, then she won't call me.
Says she adores me and then ignores me.
Jenny, what's the problem?
She keeps her distance and sits on fences.
Puts up resistance and builds defenses.

Jenny, what's the problem?
You leave me hanging on the line.
Every time you change your mind.

First you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
I"m standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny, it's killing me.

She needs her own space. She's playing mind games.
Ends up at my place saying that she's changed.
Jenny, what's the problem?
I'm trying to read between the lines.
You got me going out of my mind.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
I'm standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny, it's killing me. It's killing me. It's killing me.
Jenny.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
I'm standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny. It's killing me. It's killing me. Jenny.

2007-10-24T22:31:00.000+08:00

i love how jo remembers my batchmates x)

1. "the one who doesn't fold her sleeves! (and has short hair)"
2. "the one who's always with the one who doesn't fold her sleeves!"
3. "the one with the same name as my cousin! you know it's a unisex name :O"

xD

and i love flo and teddy; mwasa and camera with a freaky flash; and mwasa's ipod video and "the silent song" x)

broadway is dark tonight,

2007-10-23T18:40:00.000+08:00

tell me, what's love?

hello : D
(i don't know where to start.)

so the year is coming to a close and everything's just ebbing away. sec 2 life is over; - there are regrets, memories and reminiscence. and we've all become wiser, more mature, more experienced.

what i've learnt this year:
1. to love, to appreciate, to give/share
2. to see, hear, speak, and feel
3. that love isn't as simple as it may seem
4. that 4 years really isn't as long as it is, nor is one
5. that i could never predict the future (like how things would affect me and my life)
and much more that could never be expressed in words.

thank you everyone who made this year memorable :D and affected my life, in any way.

broadway is dark tonight,

power.

2007-10-22T19:39:00.000+08:00

Today was power-filled :D Badminton which involves a whole load of crappy playing, then nice smacks (I bet it's the racket that does the job) and then nice squash because suddenly I could do these really cool nice loud hard serves (I bet it stemmed from badminton) and these really loud hard shots that weren't exactly good but were nice and loud!

and in between, lunch with anna, taking a bus back to school, whining at sophia, walking back to tanglin and horrible pt that makes everyone go red in the face, wheeze, and hearts beat really fast. (:

i can't think now, not straight. maybe it's confusion, maybe emptiness,
or maybe the words won't come, still not yet.
then again, maybe i've changed and that whole side of me is gone, and i'm just going to take things as they come and not read too much into things?
maybe.

we don't fight fair,

2007-10-20T11:47:00.001+08:00

i can't take it. i'm dying to escape, i need to run; the fiend is telling me to run,
but the conscience is confused, and doesn't know what to do,
and conscience kinda sucks, right now.

i don't know how i'm going to survive, not any longer. when times have changed and emotions change,
and i'm just not that little kid back there anymore.

tired!

2007-10-17T20:19:00.001+08:00

training today! for the first time in many months, and everyone's back to square one x)
MY BROTHER IS A PSL!!! xD (hope he doesn't read that :D)
geog was alright and i freaked out before the results were announced but everyone did fine (: and our class is really pro! like t - a - l - i - a! and flo's right, we ought to be content :D

nothing much to say, the words don't seem to come.
not now, not just yet.

dreaming,

2007-10-12T21:37:00.000+08:00

The past two days have been awesomely fun :D like stoning at ps and having a picnic at the lift lobby, then stoning at starbucks with flo and jo, and guitar hero today with guanrong's crazily agile fingers and playing the guitar with an xbox controller (:

THANKS BAOBI AND EVERYONE WHO WENT TO PS THAT DAY (:

recently i keep making wrong orders for food ): like at mcdonalds i asked for a cheeseburger student's meal and she didn't tell me there wasn't a student's meal for it until later on and i had to change my order to something else; then at starbucks i asked for regular and later realised it was tall i wanted; and today the lady thought i asked for laksa but i asked for fishball noodles and i felt like a pig ): sigh.

-

should i keep on dreaming? and well, hoping. but i don't even know if the hopes are futile or achievable. it's confusing, very confusing. and i don't know what to do. whether to just give up everything and continue life the way it was before, or to carry on hoping, and perhaps getting crushed in the end but,
at least there was hope.

this is an S.O.S.
don't wanna second guess,
this is the bottom line
it's true, i gave my all for you,
now my heart's in two
and I can't find the other half
it's like I'm walking on broken glass,
better believe I bled

it's a call I'll never get.

2007-10-08T14:40:00.000+08:00

I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I HAVE A SQUASH BALL. :D YAY!
I AM NOT HAPPY BECAUSE I HAVE BLUBBER. :/

5 (+1) DOWN, 3 TO GO;
WE'RE NEARING THE END! GOOOOO EVERYONE!

i feel like squashing, even though i can't do it very well but... i don't know.
maybe it's just catharsis :D

anyway, today was good (: especially before the exams.
thanks jo, flo, steph, mwasa, dora and anna for it; we should do it sitting down next time, eh? x)

metamorphosis;

2007-10-07T20:42:00.000+08:00

was browsing through my recycle bin and all the nonsensical, stupid stuff i'd done last time,
and i realised what i was last time. if i'd known, i'd have hated myself. really. as to what i am now, and how bad i am... i really don't know, and i don't think i'm going to find out anytime soon (why don't you tell me :D)
and then i think of all those people who've been so sweet and nice and i feel like crying, because i don't even know i was, or am anymore.

this change is absolutely called for. i'm going to go a different way, till i reach the end - is there an end?

anyway lit and history and a little chinese mugging is boring! and facbeook is so lamely addictive x)
jiayou everyone!

I LOVE EVERYONE AND I SUPPORT FREE HUGS;
if i had to say something to all of you,
it'd either be i love you, or thank you.

send my love,

two-eleven,

2007-10-03T18:35:00.000+08:00

Today's CLE lesson was awesome;
or maybe 211 made it so.

There's been so much change. Shouting, laughter, quarrels, disagreements and fun; and definitely much noise. From discontent and unhappiness, to fabulous moments, unforgettable experiences, and so much love. And it's just so unexplainable or expressable in words because it's more than what words can say and it feels like heaven.

and dimmed lights, great music/sound and memory-stimulating pictures/action - more than a movie, actually.

'cos we've all finally come to realise that we actually love this class, through the heart-breaking and fun-filled experiences we've had.
and it's going to become a loss, and maybe i'd blame myself for not treasuring this class enough. but the experiences and memories are too deeply etched to erase.

this is loss, joy, appreciation
and love.

grade 7 piano exam

2007-09-24T20:59:00.000+08:00

it's too late, it always is.

and i'm always too stupid to realise. it takes too long for me to realise, far too long.
but it's all over and i can't do anything, i don't know what i can do. i wonder how long more it'll take for the last straw to come and for me to get wounded once more, beyond the reaches of
healing, cure and redemption.

and what hurts the most, was being so close.

insecurity, paranoia, oversensitivity; i don't know what i should think, or do,
or how i should feel.

2007-09-23T21:20:00.001+08:00

i'm tired, and i don't think i can stand it any longer.

so suck your so-called pity down,
hey, that's not so bad, is it?
so take your cold, cold heart and drown
and don't forget to take deep breaths.

stars and rainbows,

2007-09-23T14:22:00.000+08:00

hello (:

loads to update :D but i can't write it all in words.

yesterday i realised how funny/comical my piano teacher was x) and how terrible my scales are. today it's been slack, and more slack.

you know what? i haven't seen a rainbow in a long, long time.
not in the sky, nor in my life.

2007-09-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

facebook is so awesome(ly-time wasting)!!!

today renee and i ran all over the place from one science lab to another! and dora the cool one who got a colours award (: pro.

solitaire showdown is addictive! mwasa is <3,
com studs was very slack for people like me who weren't involved in filming, (but i feel guilty now for not tagging along but then again i might've been more of a hindrance than a help),
piano for 2.5 hours today :O,
a dental that made me miss a party >(,
and my teeth are aching.

incoherent, much. :D

now we've got a big mess on our hands,

treasuring,

2007-09-18T21:51:00.000+08:00

isn't it strange how it's always too late to say "i love you", and "sorry"?
isn't it strange how we all seem to never treasure the ones we love so much when they're here,
but when they're gone, it's all too late?
time and love are such strange things.

currently mwasa is being a dear and playing solitaire with me; mwasa you rock (: (underneath all that bimboness and huge ego.)
and loads of others out there are loved, much :D

insecurity, social insecurity; skeptism, and a whole load of oversensitivity and paranoia. it's like hate - it comes in a package, and it's heavy to carry around. maybe it'll do me and us all some good if i let it go fully (i can still feel it weighing down on my hands, i think).
but i think so many things have changed, for the better and for the worse. and i wouldn't say overall, but i guess i do have wants and more wants for my life, and i need a Life's Eraser,
but then again i've accepted it and i can't say i have complaints.
time is a strange thing indeed.

so many things are best left unsaid,

i think i forgot to mention i have oral tomorrow,
and also that i'm not fully recovered because a whooping cough has decided to attack me,
and my nose is practically sprinting,
and i'm terrified.

plus these few days my productivity rate has been nil, really.
OHMYGOODNESS, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

fall, stumble, and pick up the pieces;

2007-09-14T22:26:00.000+08:00

YOOHOO :D

Girl over here is sick!
and missed oral :O

today was a rather terrible day.
skipped oral since i was sick and went to training for attendance/because it was the last training :D but ended up joining in here and there. was quite slack, not much squash-playing and none for me at all :/ then a supposed game which turns out to be some horrible horrible pt but it's good because it truly inculcates fighting spirit and the motivation to run faster! and to work yourself to the maximum. somehow when things are done in a group it's like a chain, and you're part of it; -if one point of the chain breaks, the whole thing shatters and the link is broken. and everyone tries to keep the chain going strong for everyone else through encouragement and that's truly heartwarming (:

so it was 4x6 courtsprints and 3x5 pushups, situps and burpies and everyone was quite dead beat by the end of it all. but there's happiness, there's satisfaction and there's achievement, so that eased the lethargy didn't it (: also person here had legs that turned to lead in the last set and seriously almost died/fainted because i was seeing stars at the end and felt really dizzy/pukey. so out i went and in they went for dog-and-bone! and poor junior felt pukey and tired too so i sub-ed her but was really dizzy and pukey so i squatted down for most of it and only got called once (: joy!

i think i'm gaining entry into rgsquash (: though i still don't fit in/am unable to identify with either batch, so boo that :/ i hope by the end of this year i will improve loads and join my rightful batch! (coughcoughundermryangcoughpleasecough) *crosses fingers* but those times with the sec ones are priceless and irreplaceable :D

by the way,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BECKY (:
and for making training enjoyable and funny, thanks!

and
HAPPY COACHES' DAY (:
to mr yang and coach serene and ms joanna, for being absolutely awesomeee coaches :D

later on i cabbed home :S 'cos i was still quite dizzy and pukey. cabfare was daylight robbery x/ loads of rush and went to the doctor to get an mc before taking a bus to trial piano. with my sis very pissed :/ i kinda like that piano, though my piano is supposedly better. maybe it's the softer touch part. but the sound's a little mellow and very loud and a little hard to control. but overall it's quite nice and the pedals don't go cold in an air-conditioned room and are nice to step on.

back home, and my head's spinning. american hi-fi is looping!

safer on the outside.

quiz

2007-09-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

QUIZ!

1. (the person who tagged you is) YIMIN (:

2. (your relationship with him/her is) ex-classmates/ex-rgps/FRIEND-FRIEND!

3. (5 impressions you have of him/her)
#1: Has a cute round face
#2: Craaaazy
#3: Nice
#4: Funny
#5: Nice song-sender!

4. (the most memorable thing he/she has done for you) Been my friend! (:

5. (the most memorable words he/she has said to you) hmm. a lot! xD

6. (if he/she becomes your lover, you will) umm, love her???? hahahaha NA.

7. (if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be) changing gender?! NA.

8. (if he/she becomes your enemy, you will) cry :/

9. (if he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be) because i'm a terrible rs leader :O

10. (the most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is) send me more songs! :D

11. (your overall impression of him/her is) ROCKZ.

12. (how do you think people around you will feel about you) i don't know, why don't you tell me! (:

13. (the characteristic you love about yourself is) am constantly changing??

14. (on the contrary, the characteristic you hate about yourself is) am constantly changing x)

15. (the most ideal person you want to be is) me!

16. (for people that care and like you, say something to them) thank you i love you! (stolen answer :O) but actually there's too much to say (:

17. (pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you)
in random order,
#1. baobs
#2. mwasa
#3. jo
#4. flo
#5. dora
#6. steph
#7. joycie
#8. anna
#9. renee
#10. grongy

who is no.6 having a relationship with? [steph] ME :D haha, God!

is no.9 a male or female? [renee] female

if no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing? [joycie + grongy] yeah sure why not man! (:

what is no.2 studying about? [mwasa] doubles i think - BioChemGeogLit

when was the last time you had a chat with no. 3? [jo] today after school! xD loads of whining

what kind of music does no.8 like? [anna] Corinne May, Take That and Christian songs

does no.1 have any siblings? [baobs] nope

will you woo no.3? [jo] HAHAHA N.A.

how about no.7? [joycie] haha joyce the man! N.A.

is no. 4 single? [flo] yes, all of them are

what's the surname of no.5? [dora] heng

what's the name of no.10? [grongy] Tan Guan Rong ><

what's the hobby of no.4? [flo] laughing! :D drawing random smileys and hearts

do no.5 and 9 get along well? [dora + renee] very! batchmates

where is no.2 studying at? [mwasa] rgs

say something casual about no.1 [baobs] is really fangirly

have you tried developing feelings for no.8? [anna] hahahaha <3 anna!

where does 9 live? [renee] toa payoh

what colour does no.4 like? [flo] PURPLEE :D i think.

are no.5 and 1 best friends? [dora + baobs] batchmates?

does no.7 like no.2? [joycie + mwasa] not very close

how did you get to know no.2? [mwasa] well it's a long story (: since p3 and the love-hate relationship thing

does no.1 have any pets? [baobs] loads that make her house a zoo (:

is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? [joycie] haha umm i don't think she'd want to be known as that :O

done :D

the wait.

2007-09-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

Juvenile?
if you mean it to be the whole idea of foolishly and constantly running away, maybe yes.
I've never really been ready for anything, and I don't know if I ever will. And I wait, I will wait for a day where things will change; and meanwhile I will work to change it. In terms of schoolwork, squash, and me.

I'm going to mug really hard with the goals in mind and hopefully the thought of the end will be something to look forward and derive motivation from (: and it's not just about me and my grades anymore, other people've been drawn in and I can't disappoint them,
because that'll be plain selfish, in a way.

and I'm going to train really hard. Maybe this part's closer to the heart and more personal; I'm going to show myself what I've got. Not them, but me. I don't think I've ever been really true to myself, and this could be it.

I've learnt so much, and I've got so much more to learn; and I'm going to go all out and venture into undiscovered paths, and to learn what I've hardly paid attention to but are so important.

I tread on broken dreams that cut. I bleed, but if we smash these and leave them to be fragments of the past,
we'll all move on, stronger, and much more mature.

this poem is apt and really nice (:

Autobiography in Five Chapters
Nyoshul Khenpo

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

feel the magic in the air;

[edit] becky is cool (like a cucumber) and smart and pretty! x) <3 [/edit]

confidence?

2007-09-11T21:06:00.000+08:00

Sparked off by someone's personal message on MSN (rephrased):
How do we get confidence, if it can't be trained?

I don't deny, I'm severely lacking in it. It's irritating, it's painful, it kills all hope like cleaning agents kill all bacteria, it makes people feel helpless.
Confidence is abstract. And these abstract things really can't be trained; only fostered. Like how "love cannot be forced", maybe? And me, I've been wondering for a long time why I keep losing hope/confidence. Why I am so weak, and why I can't be like the fighter I want to be, the superheroes I'd long admired on tv.
Then again, maybe it just stems from perspective, and mine is just warped. And it takes time to change this perspective, and along the way we might tread on broken dreams and killed hope,
but we could pick some hope somewhere else, coupled with confidence,
could we?
i'd take the road less travelled;

i'll be a fighter.

if i fall,

2007-09-10T20:34:00.000+08:00

if i fall,

Today I just proved to myself how weak I was. By giving up so easily.

I used to believe that I would never run away from a challenge. I would give it my best shot, because it's... common sense, maybe?

but I thought wrong.

I cower at the sight of a challenge, anything I feel is beyond my abilities. I lose hope when I dread the end.

sometimes I ask myself, why?

stupid isn't it, the irony of it all.

so i'm gonna need some time to sort it all out.

2007-09-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

EVERYONEEE.

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE IPOD NANO 3RD GENERATION AND THE S500I!!!

(i know i'm materialistic)

BUT THEY'RE SO PRETTYYY I'VE BEEN GOING TO LOOK AT THEM EVERYDAY :D

happy remaining 2 hours of holiday everyone! (:

2007-09-09T00:31:00.000+08:00

i am weak and i feel like i'm losing,
BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel.
and helping hands to guide me along for He is ever so strong;

just do it.

geog is killing me dead and so is a splitting headache. happy remaining holiday[s] everyone! (:

2007-09-08T10:38:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLO AND MANDI (:
<333333333333333333333333333333

surprise party was a blast :D with jo the drunkard who drank a little booze and went craaazily high (but her voice went hoarse) and started screaming like a little toddler. and lisa who loves drinking booze! xD

i could never leave this war undone,

2007-09-07T00:11:00.000+08:00

but if you fall back into my life;

HELLO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE (:

haven't been blogging in such a longg time and i have loads to blog about and in the heat of the moment all i wanted to do was to narrate it all out here, detail by detail,
but maybe some things are meant to be left at memories.

anyway.

friday was HAIRSPRAY DAY (: with mwasa baobee and hwee, who looked like my/a mommy! so baobee and i were the kids, and mwasa was the... auntie? xD ate at spageddies after arguing/contemplating for 15 minutes or so. hairspray was just totally awesome (: that mwasa and i rushed to heeren's hmv right after the movie to buy the soundtrack. and daytona was just cursed, because i was always first for the first 7 laps and for the 8th/last lap something would happen and i'd end up 3rd/last. >(

ZAC EFRON FTW <3333333 sooo cute he made us fangirl in our seats really loudly.

tuesday to wednesday was house camp <3333 rocked the house. first day was rather boring though; i preferred last year's station games. left to go a-squashing and i won (: big surprise, but next opponent is a small girl who's apparently quite pro and i am freaked out. i have small-girl-squashers-phobia now, after a very mortifying experience. boo so i expect to get pwned but maybe miracles do happen (i know they do it's just a matter of when and where!) and the best is yet to be! :D otherwise i'll just try my best. good experience, eh?

went back and we had mini campfire and song singing (: but no nice pink candles this year. ohh and marshmallow roasting on fingers using tealight flames! it worked for me and the marshmallow was really gooood and tasted like caramel :D

watched stomp the yard which rocked because it was so touching and so meaningful. loads of lessons learnt. fell asleep and woke up at hourly/half-hourly intervals, twice to find out my ziplock-bag-pillow had burst ): didn't catch much sleep.

woke up and after washing up we had breakfast! nutella with honey stars is just plain goodness :D walked to training and slacked around as usual. i like training with the sec1s MUCH MUCH BETTER than training with the sec2s don't deprive me of the training ): was very sad about that aaarghhh i really want to train with the sec1s. (well it is also a big matter of who's coach) skipped pt very happily/sneakily though :D i didn't mean to anyway; was ref-ing a match. hehehe.

went to fareast for urban hike which was totally great (: and the clues were super fun to guess. walked alot and loads of laughing with "the lovers" :D made loads of friends and it was really great. after we broke camp GROUP DDDD for donkeys <3 plus some others stayed back to play netball and basketball which was really funn. loads of sweat, fun, and laughter.

today was extremely slack and i intend to sleep at 430 tonight.

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE 3RD GENERATION IPOD NANOS SOMEONE SAVE ME. I LOVE APPLE WHY DO THEY SUDDENLY DECIDE TO SLASH THEIR PRICES.

APPLE YOU ROCK.

or maybe something's amiss.

signing out with loads of love (:
i could never leave this war undone,

2007-09-02T20:58:00.000+08:00

i don't want to remember today.

well maybe i could remember it as the day i failed my scales >< but anyway. i think either:
1) i'm going blind
2) i suck a lot
or both, for that matter. but anyway it's over and hell, it's not like i'm damn sad or anything so...

YAY (:

house camp on tuesday/wednesday which i'm going to be missing most of :/ and training on wednesday and friday, yeeah. :D
and math textbooks looking at me happily waiting to be read.
and homework too.

hello, holidays; what a nice welcome you've given me.

2007-09-01T21:09:00.001+08:00

guess what, someone's researching on nature valley, calories, diets and squash now! (:

HEROES WORLD TOUR <3

2007-09-01T20:29:00.000+08:00

yesterday was awesomee (:

teachers' day celebrations rocked; much much better than last year's! (well apart from the fact it was a live telecast) BLA academy and LAFFLES institution and all that, the new sensation! (: and it was damn scary and real at first - 417?!?! who knew dtan was that good at acting xD

and apart from that, gym performance with steph and flo inside was cool! (: and the dance with the prominent red/pink and yellow girls in it who were so obviously from dance.

later we went back to rgps which was a little boring for me because the only teacher i'd really really miss would be... ms phua? and the food, of course (: don't really hold many memories there, despite the 6 years. amazing how 4 years in secondary school can make so much more of an impact than the 6 years in primary school; maybe it's just because we've all grown up, and it's all different now.

but i don't want to grow up,

and i was really pissed/sad 'cos i lost 10 bucks ): maybe it's His will... because later on i found 10 bucks on my table?!?!? damn cool.

cabbed to vivocity for the heroes world tour which started at 3 but mwasa baobs dee being the kiasu people went at 1230 xD and weren't the first 50 in the queue so i got kinda freaked out 'cos they had mosh pit passes and i didn't. went to candy empire with baobs and bought reese's and aero (: the mint one is much nicer than the milk chocolate one though. waited all the way to 250 when they started giving out the little bands and i got yellow (for vip/first 50!)! thanks to sipei and kuoying yay (: and baobs and mwasa got blue (for mosh pit)! and i got a goody pack which totally rocked; 2 posters and a notebook but no comic books/bags/shirts. BAOBS I WANNA BUY YOUR BAG OVER IT'S SO CUTE XD

waited till 300 when they started admitting people and it was total madness and we got squished and so did my posters. but at least i could breathe, mmm? and some guy got pissed at us/baobs :/ but i managed to make it into the area and mwasa and baobs were right at the front of the mosh pit, but got blocked by the press later on :/ got a decent view i guess, apart from a very tall girl who kept blocking me grrr. and a group of screamy girls who were deafening plus a girl who was nice and sociable (:

masi oka is SO CUTEEEE and a genius at that. and so silent. and grunny is such a joker he should go be a stand up comedian like russell peters or something. and we get shoutout! from grunny if he keeps his word. (: and ali larter is freaking pretty (: and sendhill/suresh is hot hot hot! and some people didn't really deserve autographs and photos 'cos they didn't know the basic facts of the show like character names wtf >( boo that.

no autographs and photos for the rest though :/ a little disappointing, but overall IT ROCKED masi oka is my FAVEEE. hayden panettiere should come sometime, and milo and pasdarrr, yeah? (:

later we gallivanted around and camwhored with the heroes poster/cutout (: and fee is so short hahaha :D poor thing. grow, fee, grow! and then more walking around and sexy pencils and a cool maroon pen and eating b&js with fee and sis later on. strawberry cheesecake <3!>

home sweet home.

and i feel like stalking the heroes cast people at the airport for autographs but never mind :/ i have the memories! (:

thanks for the memories,

i just recounted my whole day in quite full detail!

want a lot of songs/mp3s, if you have them send to me if you don't mind! (:

~~ryan cabera - true~~
~~ryan cabera - 40 kinds of sadness~~
~~westlife - fool again~~
red hot chilli peppers
~~googoo dolls - before it's too late~~
~~googoo dolls - slide~~
~~savage garden - affirmation~~
~~train - drops of jupiter~~
amber pacific - if i fall
~~amber pacific - fall back into my life~~
~~lily allen- alfie~~
bowling for soup - high school never ends
~~linkin park - what i've done~~
~~fort minor - petrified~~
~~fort minor - where'd you go~~
andrea bocelli - time to say goodbye

[edit] i love mwasa and yimin y'all are teh_B3sT (song senders)! (: <3333> [/edit]

and i may be getting my watch ahhhh! (:

2007-08-27T20:03:00.000+08:00

today i played like i was holding a stiffened... banana? no, today i played like a mangled chicken holding a feather duster and whipping it around recklessly.

I PLAY LIKE A CHICKEN.

with no reference to my zodiac whatsoever. but i still won and really thank God man (:

2007-08-26T16:08:00.000+08:00

YI-MIN IS TOTAL LOVEEEE FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY LAZINESS :D and terrible rs-leader-thing!

I PROMISE I'LL GO DOWN NEXT WEEK; THANK YOUUUU!!!!! (:

203!

2007-08-26T01:16:00.000+08:00

203rd post!

it's 1.17am now, and i am sitting here typing this,
- smelling like a fish
- doing an overdue reading assignment (i think my handwriting looks quite nice i don't know why! i bet it'll downgrade tomorrow again)
- feeling guilty, very guilty
- yearning for freedom from work, but my attraction to work is still powerful
- hoping to finish homework by tonight/this morning

i think i shall sleep at 4.30am, again.

the pain/irritation has somewhat subsided, hope i can do my lit quote properly/well on monday! 23 lines, and 5 days.
i screwed up chinese bad enough :/

watched the css finals just now; the principal really amazes me. little boy won! xD was hoping benjamin would win though, he's good! (: saw edensenior on tv looking really cute and junior's sister/announcement girl! which is really cool, becoming famous in a single night! haha; but luckily i didn't go, i think it ended at 11 :O i was contemplating whether to sms, then i realised i'd sms for all of them so i might as well not sms. mom would've killed me anyway.

there are so many gifted people in the world, in rgs, in my class;
people who sleep and get 4.0s, people who don't even mug and get 4.0s,
4.0s seems to be the only word in my vocabulary. but i want to do well;

i need to work for it, doubly hard.

and squash too.

and what hurts the most, was being so close.

2007-08-25T16:16:00.000+08:00

i am becoming so damn irresponsible it sucks.

i need a rousing call. wake up, miss; what do you think you are doing?!?!?
AAAAAAAAAARGH.

-

the left side of my mouth/face is totally contorted. talk about powerchains, tightened wires, and
PAIN.
hurts damn baad ): maybe my pain capacity is just rather low.

an athlete's pride;

2007-08-25T09:42:00.000+08:00

taken from deborah's/darrell's blog! (:

"I'm a high school player. I'm a team player.I play with my friends and with some of my enemies, but I respect everyone when it comes to my sport. I know I'm not going to get a multi-million dollar contract to play professionally. I know I may not ever get my name in the paper. I play for love of the game. For the pride and honour, for the blood, sweat and tears it takes to make the team, to earn the spot, to win the game. I play because I can. I play because I know that my life would be empty without the sport I play. I would have a lack of everything my sport gives me... integrity, courage, talent, fearlessness, pride, strength, stamina, will, and the heart of a champion.

If I didn't play, I would lose a part of me.

I am an athlete. I'm a girl.

I'm a champion, not because my team always wins, but because when we don't, we learn from our mistakes.We try to fix them, and most of all, because we have fun.I have built lifelong friendships and memories because of my being an athlete. I leave everything on the field or court and continue to push myself.I am never happy with second place, but I have learned to accept it. I have learned to get over and through my anger and be the athlete and player I have always dreamed of being.

I don't play for my parents, for my family, for my friends; I don't play for my coach or my teachers or my school. I play for myself but when I'm playing, I represent them.

It isn't about winning or losing, but I hate to lose.I won't settle for a tie, and I am not satisfied with 100%;
To play, you have to sacrifice everything, your body, your time, your sweat, blood and tears, everything... for your team.

I am a player and athlete and a champion, not because I know what it is like to win, but because I know what it is like to lose.
I know what it is like to feel the anger and pain that comes along with "second best." I have been that girl with tears in her eyes, walking out to receive the second place trophy and clapping as the other team, my opponents, receive the first place one. I know what it is like to lose, to win, to want to quit, to want to cry, to not want to get up. I know what it is like to hear the cheers and yells for you. I know what it is like to feel the pressure of everyone on your shoulders, and I know what it is like to choke under that pressure.

I know what it means to be an athlete, a true player, and that is why I play.

"I AM AN ATHLETE,
A CHAMPION,
A TRUE PLAYER.""

- An Athlete's Pride

so true.

don't think i've reached that yet,

face it.

2007-08-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

i ~~don't like~~ fear lies, and broken promises, and falsehood :/
ironic, isn't it; because i don't deny, i lie a lot too.

2007-08-24T19:44:00.000+08:00

so much i want [to do],

and so many movies i want to watch!
- 881
- rush hour 3 :/
- the simpson's movie o_o
- HAIRSPRAY!

and many others which i never had the chance to watch but aren't showing in cinemas anymore, like shrek3 and harry potter; boooo.

today's training was... not training, but pt. i didn't even play squash! had to train with sec 2s :/ but ah well, pt's good - good training for my calf/thigh muscles man! and stamina too. but i need to train my strokes/skills first. i have motivation! and NO IT'S NOT MY IDOL (i-am-changing-idol-because-it's-so-embarrassing-when-your-idol-knows-about-the-whole-idolisation-thing when it isn't even true in that context if you're thinking upon it that way but omg, isn't idol cool in court?! and idolisation is supposed to be a secret, internalised thing man!) leads me to the point that i should change idol. (and according to bro i'm implementing reverse psychology)

hmm. i suck at the rubik's cube because i need to learn how to flick it properly!!! and i have very funny seniors! (: and interesting batchmates, yeah. scandalous, maybe? ><

am currently wondering why i have so little money left. dear me. i think i forgot to claim money for something. :/

-

this insecurity's building up, but i hope i'll find a way (:

2007-08-23T22:43:00.001+08:00

have loads of things to blog about! but the past events are but memories in the present;

yesterday time seemed to be running away from me, and i really didn't know what to do. yet today seems so... leisurely. i have yet to treasure time fully.

SORRY FLO AND MWASA about philo! ): love you two!

-

i don't know what's happening to me,
do you?

i need more control.

2007-08-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

i'm so sick, i'm so damn weak it sucks :/
reading my old blog brings back fond memories - i want to go back there, i want to to be standing there once more, less knowledgeable, more naiive,
and delving less into such stupid issues,
just taking life as it is.

i'm trying, i'm trying to do that, i'm trying to release my burden, bit by bit;
but i've only caught a handful of my old life, and you trampled through it.
what do i have left...

will try not to emo.

loss;

2007-08-21T19:49:00.000+08:00

i don't want to, but i can't help it.
you're losing whatever ounce of respect i once had of you; let's say
you've changed. i've changed. we've all changed, and it's not the same anymore; no matter how much i'd love to go back, it won't happen.
now it seems that all your narrow mind thinks about is money, and connections to money.
is money that big a sin?
you don't deserve my respect, anymore?; - the more i think about it, you never did.
what is a human life to you, i don't know anymore. you treat it like a trivial thing you can control - who do you think you are? sometimes i really think you put money above lives. is it worth it?
you ask me to love someone who wishes me dead, who doesn't even reciprocate the love?
maybe i loved you before, but it's slipping away.
satisfying materialistic wants doesn't equate to loving, just when will you see that one day? i may be narrow-minded, you may think i'm selfish;
but you don't even pratice what you preach. what are you, a hypocrite? i don't even need to hesitate before answering that. you're confusing me,
and i'm drowning, in this sea of battered emotions and broken hearts.
"a tiger won't eat its own cubs?", well you just proved that wrong, flat.

i'm losing it, i'm losing it all.

this is not anger, this is sadness; it evolved, and
it's all changing.

i want to escape, i don't want to see your face again;
i don't want to live in a freak world with you controlling my life,
i'm not a robot, why can't you understand. i am blood, i am flesh,
i am but a mortal.

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"

i want to take charge, to be the pilot of my own life.
however pathetic it may be already, you just made it worse,
maybe this is the reason why i am such a failure. i'm finding excuses, you may say, but it's true.
this is the truth, and it's shattering me.

this hurt's cutting so deep;

2007-08-20T16:27:00.001+08:00

call me... a realist.
maybe that's why i'm not for lit.

He is there,

2007-08-20T13:08:00.000+08:00

yo yo yo wassup! (:

School holiday today, yay. I woke up at 12pm... after sleeping at 2. Hmm. 9 hours, the right dose (:

anyway thank you jo for being such a patient listener/explainer and having a nice chat with me last night/this morning (: you are <333! (:

-

so well, maybe I don't understand the christian passion that much, i don't understand the fine networks that connect the whole religion, i don't understand my own religion.
but hey, now I know that there is always someone there, that He is always there, that He gave up his life for the sins and evil of mankind.
[i knew that a long time ago, but it just didn't come into play]
and so i have much reading up to do on, on my own religion xD but it's not really a reading-up kind of thing, is it?
and much reflection, and linking up to do. and to watch the vids!!! mighty to save, indeed (:
<3

and there is such a fine line between belief and delusion, between delusion and real hope, between life and death, between right and wrong.

-

Should I be happy? or sad; for I'm in the plate event! (: and so's my brother, yeahhh (:
have never gotten down to dedicating a post about him because he always turns nasty when I am about to. Coincidence, isn't it. But my bro can be a real sweet at times, and a nice garbage man (:
anyway i hope i'll play against my junior!!! (: Miracles do happen!

as seen through... I'VE MEMORISED MY 23-LINE GOLD QUOTE FOR LIT! 5 days. so unfair, because jojo memorised it in 5 minutes grrr. face it, i have a poor memory.

"Signior Antonio, many a time and oft
In the Rialto, you have rated me
About my moneys and my usances.
Still have I borne it with a patient shrug
For sufferance is the badge of all our tribe.
You call me "misbeliever", "cut-throat dog"
And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine
And all for use of that which is mine own.
Well, then. It now appears you need my help.
Go to, then. You come to me, and you say,
"Shylock, we would have moneys", you say so;
You that did void your rheum upon my beard,
And foot me as you spurn a stranger cur
Over your threshold. Moneys is your suit.
What should I say to you? Should I not say,
"Hath a dog money? Is it possible
For a cur to lend three thousand ducats?" or
Shall I bend low, and in a bondman's key
With bated breath and whispering humbleness
Say this:
"Fair sir, you spat on me Wednesday last
You called me "dog" -- and for these courtesies
I'll lend you thus much moneys?"

done (:

just shine,

2007-08-18T20:11:00.000+08:00

You, you're such a big star to me
You're everything I wanna be
But you're stuck in a hole and I want you to get out
I don't know what there is to see
But I know it's time for you to leave
We're all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out

All your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all, you can have it all

So come on, so come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come around
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and you might want to smile, smile, smile

Don't you let your demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all, you can have it all

Hey let me know you
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show you
You're all that matters to me

-

for everyone out there! (:

-

Face it, I am a blessed child. We all are; if you're reading this, you are.
I'm just a typical selfish narrow-minded human being wanting more, and more than my share. Greedy, isn't it.

[The things we have and the gifts we possess are bestowed upon us, and we've gotta make good use of them. Be content with what you have, and when good things come your way, accept them. Don't pine away for them.]
that's like self-advice o__O jiayou to me XD and everyoneee!

2007-08-18T16:40:00.000+08:00

it's nice to read archives, once in a while (:
to know how much i've, or we've all grown, and to laugh, and to learn;
and to yearn for that childlike innocence to return, where everything was intricate and delightful.
not saying that nothing is delightful now, but it just doesn't seem right anymore. everything's too complex, - we see more than we ought to, sometimes.

and tears that had no meaning evolved into things, of hurt, of pain, of the evil we are surrounded by.

sometimes i wish i was that little girl back there;
why can't life have a middle to it? i walk on an uncertain path, unable to go back, and yearning to know what the future holds.

do i?

2007-08-18T15:03:00.000+08:00

"to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

copied from someone's blog; it's very meaningful.

2007-08-18T11:55:00.000+08:00

maybe it'll do me some good if i just let go;

woke up at 930 today ftw! i am proud of myself, yeah (:

2007-08-18T10:59:00.000+08:00

I don't know what i wanna do, I don't dare dream of what i wanna be;
no, not anymore.

what can i say?

2007-08-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

What can I say?

I am not what I want to be; I am nothing. everything's crashing down, or maybe I'm smashing them down. it's tearing me apart, and it's tearing my life apart.

I want to cry, I want to run away, I want to delude myself,
but the tears won't fall;
my legs won't take me anywhere,
and my brain won't think [of anything else] for me.

I'm sick of this, I don't want to know why any more.
I just want to escape -
maybe one day when i wake up, it won't be the world i see now.

I expect too much, I...
I don't know what to say, except that i'm just a failure,
and i'm tired. tired of trying to be what i want to be, and what other people want me to be,
and failing miserably. the expectations and hopes are just empty channels to push, and to force my life through, before disintegrating.

i don't want hopes, i don't want dreams, i want reality. but i can't face it.
and everyone's laughing at me; if i had another self, i would too.

what's the point of all this, it's just killing me.

2007-08-15T19:54:00.000+08:00

Today I stepped into a graveyard of broken dreams, and witnessed the crowning of a new champion.

2007-08-14T21:24:00.000+08:00

I hold the world but as the world,
A stage, where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.

Shakespeare shakespeare you are so brilliant but so irritating because I don't like memorising your quotes, not at all. Especially when it's 23 lines long :/

for sufferance is the badge of all our tribe;

I'm not satisfied, not satisfied with so many things. And wanting so much, maybe even too much for my own good.

then again, will I ever be satisfied?
not just the materialistic wants, but personal wants, goals,
that seem stupid to have
because i don't know myself, i don't even know my capabilities.

do i?

One day without homework, and I'm feeling all restless and uneasy. The scene pictured is not one of smiling educators letting students take a day off, but of evil, razor-sharp toothed grins and dripping blood, and of homework, worksheets flying everywhere...

exaggerated, but still. I feel uneasy. I need homework.

this fear's gripping me, or is it just paranoia?

I want haviannas and another pair of slippers!!!

-

By the fool multitude that choose by show,
Not learning more than the fond eye doth teach,

I have a mind that presages me such thrift
That I should questionless be fortunate.

SHAKESPEAREE.

It's hard to know what we really want. In my case, too. Is what I want too superficial?
I want love. True, pure love.
Does it exist?

-

How time flies, and I we've come a long way from where we've started.
And it's nearing the end; nothing can turn it back any more.

Time is such a fatal foe, and it's so hard to walk hand in hand with it.
Walk behind it, and it leads you by the nose,
walk in front of it, and it'll overtake you, for no one can beat time.
"Treasure time" - easier said than done. :/

the point of no return,

2007-08-13T19:04:00.000+08:00

Hmmm today I thought I would get into big trouble but I didn't :D Thank God! (:

Training was good and bad - drills were quite bad considering I don't really get crosscourts yet but still I had this newfound power (I bet it was from my shoes man) and tralala, was quite happy, 'cos I managed to hit harder than usual [yay!] and I actually managed to stay for quite a while during king (: great achievement, I say.

Oh and I have newfound motivation for training too! (ah, today is a day of discovery):
Every training is an opportunity to burst/weaken my racket strings.
That rocks doesn't it (:

Ways to survive in training (from what I have learnt these 7 months):

1. ALWAYS [try to] cheat during drills.
e.g. pretending you weren't looking (but then it reflects lack of concentration), pretending a ball was in your way and sweep it away when the next ball comes (must get the timing right) etc.
it really works.

2. Stall for time.
i.e. pt begins at 445 - start moaning (but not in front of the coach[es]). Lights go out between 5 to 5.05 -- just hope they decide to turn it off earlier and whooyeah, for they can't make you do much pt in the dark.

3. Get everyone to change grips together on the same day.
- uses a hell load of time (: hopefully that cuts down on the drills/pt...

Oh well, and many more.
but training is good anyway :D

Pt wasn't as killer as 3 x 5 6-pointers (: Was dead and smelt like rotting fish/garbage after that anyway.

-

oh sea slugs sea slugs yesterday!

-

I know for sure, that there ARE things not within my control. And I've reached a point of no return, for many areas of my life, no matter how much I want to turn back time.

but then again there are so many open doors to venture forth;

tonight, tonight, she's gonna get it right;
even losers get lucky sometimes.

2007-08-12T13:33:00.001+08:00

i just wasted my holidays away ):

rs rs rs you are the bane of my lifeee i don't want to go to the singapore river ):

but it don't matter;

2007-08-11T19:58:00.000+08:00

ohmygoodness i seriously need a strict diet regime; i look like a pot-bellied dwarf o__o

today was,

queensway queensway! and new squash shoes, looking at 50-dollar-duffels and 20-dollar-shoebags and ahhh! i have so many things to save up for, gawking at nice slippers with mom, eating at mcdonalds and discovering mom's 2 humongous mouth ulcers, going to yck 1 hour early, smsing bro frantically and almost going off to gallivant before meeting batchmate, played in the court when we didn't even book it, getting scared when an alarm goes off and going back in when it stops, my hitting like a chicken, getting scared again when we see a senior senior and getting out, seeing more rgsquashers, wandering around aimlessly, playing and getting pwned/thrashed by a pro in relation to me, walking around some more and watching random matches, marking a match, idol idol idol!!! (joking) seeing idol in action and my heart stopping, squealing, refereeing a match, walking to the mrt with a bimbo/cheena senior (华语酷!) and two noisy batchmates XD, milky white cappucino which looks like milk but isn't, commenting on magazines at cheers while staying in cheers to finish the drink because we are paranoid/kiasu (and cool) like that and don't want to get fined, reading mov on the mrt, eating at kfc, wandering around, waiting 15 minutes for a bus,

and home, sweet home.

real squash makes you go whoopedeedoo and my heart palpitate (:

rihanna's shut up and drive is addictive!

fast food for 2 meals spells trouble, t-r-o-u-b-l-e. the school's fruit stall beckons.

-

everything's too short and precious to be small,
and everything's too brittle to be strong.

2007-08-10T00:26:00.000+08:00

am currently feeling very VERY jealous of people who have gabe's autograph grrrrr :/
but nvm i don't crush cobra starship that much yet, and wouldn't have been able to go/have gone for singfest no matter what so mmm.

today,

pangsehed by bro, training at yck, going out for lunch and ftw!!! seeing an absolutely adorable baby daughter who's not like those pestilent brats you see running around shopping malls screaming their lungs out but no, she's the kind that never seems to cry and smiles all the time XD and is so entertaningly cute!!! too bad i suck at communication and relationships, so boo.
and staying at yck til 5, and being disgusted at old men who change in public/walk around half naked (or maybe i've just been scarred) and standing like a mute idiot against the wall with weird passing stares and yes, looking like a total idiot, calls from baobi and listening to (muffled, but) cobra starship!!! ftw! (: and going to grandma's house!

and it's 0032 now and i am tired.
it's been a long day, and i've gone a long way.

-

happy birthday singapore, and happy birthday anthea! (:
42 years of nation building (haha) and a floating platform! (but i think this year's parade wasn't as nice as those held at the national stadium :/)

shut up and drive.

2007-08-09T09:42:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY

and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!!!

2007-08-08T17:58:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY IN ADVANCE! (: and happy birthday singapore in advance.

satisfied my desires today! (: Most of. subway breakfast which is totally worth it, subway cookies, sweet talk's bubble tea, sakae's tempura, shopping/gallivanting, GWEN STEFANI WHOOO YEAH.
THANK YOU SOPHIA (: for being such a dear and walking around with me yay!

gwen stefani gwen stefani YAAY.
cobra starship for 18.95 urgh urgh urghh to buy or not to buy.
and music and lyrics 18.95 too i think ):
I am pooooor and will go broke.
oh yes not to mention filamento multicolore/metrycolor for $119; I think I will save up! (:

anyone has rihanna shut up and drive? xD and googoo dolls ahhh!

national day celebrations were fun fun fun! but the concert was a tad boring; dora is a budding bollywood star!!; where i belong is a workout in disguise.

Training was dead apart from the little dsa girl who was so cutely sweet XD would definitely make a nice junior, I think. and everyone almost died during pt, and with a mindset so negative I think it was worse :/ no one has training on national day eve.

I need to improve, whoooo yeah.

-

so many people I want to thank, for just being there (:

GWEN STEFANI YAY YAY YAY. sophia and i have similar taste in music and definition of reasonable for clothes XD what with looking at ed hardy prices (119 for a belt o___O) and walking out of the shop less than 10 seconds later. (:

I need, and want this so much.
I'll work for it, I will.

oh yes, i just realised what an idiot i've been all along.

2007-08-07T23:14:00.001+08:00

OHMYGOODNESS I SERIOUSLY NEED TO STEP UP ON THAT DIET OF MINE.

OH DIET, WHEREFORE ART THOUUUUUUUU. ):

2007-08-06T19:10:00.000+08:00

there is something down the road that we can strive for;

am feeling very patriotic now (: red&white braces and listening to ndp songs haha.

i've been inspired, by the simplest most innocent statements you would've thought were dumb, maybe,

but they are very, very true.

and everyone has a burden, everyone has angst in them, everyone has a right to ranting.
but it's the way you handle that burden i guess, and ranting makes the load heavier, psychologically.
like in that chinese comic where once you don't think about it, and just run, or walk the path you chose,
the load will disappear from your mind.

and i've been so stupid for clinging on to my load so tight,
and it's time to let go.

(not completely, but ah)

-

geog sa is over, and done with - river channels and drainage baisins and deltas and plungepools,
be GONE.
i can't say i'm fully satisfied but it's over.

this year's aces day routine rocks alrightttt (: it's so much cooler than last year's haha with funny looking cheerleaderish movements and cool songs - (especially to anna) TAKE THAT FTW! (: and BLACK EYED PEAS FTWWWWW when i heard it = OMGGG.

BEP IS THE SHIZZLE MAN (:

squash today was good because i had this funny little internal energy inside of me and drills weren't as bad as the last time; and pt wasn't that bad either (although we had to continue running in the dark -.-)

rgsquashers007 are <3>, and though i don't know all of them so well,
i'll try :D
and i hope it won't be too late.

-

thinking about my own life really confuses me; 'cos i don't even know who i am, where i am,
or what i'm walking on.
the path is so frail, and what lies ahead lies unknown.
gotta do something before it's too late, gotta turn my dreams into goals into reality.

change.

love makes the world go round,
and my head spin around.

2007-08-05T15:59:00.000+08:00

extreme markeover home edition is a super sweet and touching show (:

i have been... INSPIRED. :D

2007-08-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

communication is such a complex thing.

2007-08-04T20:36:00.001+08:00

I AM INSPIRED.

2007-08-04T20:16:00.000+08:00

i want to run away, 'cos i just want to live my life;
but i can't find a place to hide.

I WANT TO CRYYYY everything is so screwed up now.

but then i will find something, someday, and i'll set it right.

but not now, no.

2007-08-04T16:40:00.000+08:00

it's not working out.

why am i so darn sensitive,
so darn paranoid,
so darn insecure,

and so darn emo.

2007-08-04T16:25:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEIQI <3>
forever remembered and loved

how selfhood begins with a walking away,

2007-08-03T18:34:00.000+08:00

i need to improve.
i WILL improve; i will work myself to the bone, i don't care.
25 is not a nice number at all.
i've got a goal, and i'll work my ass off for it.

guide me along.

-

squash today was slack and no pt (: played with a junior and won, thank god.
if i had lost i wouldn't know where to hide my face; i'm already sucky enough as it is.

i will do it.

listening to my mp3 yay. very very outdated but never mind.
I WANT A GREEN/BLUE IPOD NANO NOWWW ):

where?

2007-08-02T20:40:00.000+08:00

where are all the hopes, where are all the dreams;
where's my cinderella story?

Today I thought I would get majorly screwed, and I didn't.
I thank my lucky stars, and I thank God.

Last night I had no idea what I was doing. I slept at 1045pm, and woke up at 2am, and conveniently did my gong han and went to sleep at 245am, then woke up at 545am.

what is the world coming to.
what am i coming to.

i don't know, you know.

i've never slept before 12am this week at all.
this week seemed like an eternity, and thank god, it's friday tomorrow.
the days drag on; i need them to stop.
i need to find meaning.

and i need to mug, badly.

i am stupid, really really stupid.
kill me.

shine;

2007-07-31T19:51:00.000+08:00

i love this song, and it really applies to me, now:

You can try to hide away
from every drop of rain
that's hanging over you
And you can say it's all a waste
lost your time and space
There's nothing left to lose

Like a broken angel on the ground
Like a symphony without a sound
Turn around

Everything you are
and every where you've been
the sinner and the saint that fight the battle within
Every place you go
Everybody knows
shadows fall across the sun sometimes
Shine
You're gonna shine

In the mirror of your soul
I know that you know
You are not forsaken
Hey butterfly open up your weary eyes
and realize
It's a trip we're taken

and the world will turn around again
and your shattered heart is gonna mend
in the end

Baby let's go ride those shooting stars
(You are gonna shine)
Watch the crescent moon smile til you're high
(Shine)
You're gonna shine
(Shine)
You're gonna shine

disappointment.

2007-07-31T18:48:00.000+08:00

I am not, not what I want to be.

Disappointment shrouds me, I don't deny.

but what's over is over, and as guanrong aptly puts it, you can't stay sad till jc, or for the rest of your life.

so why not just try getting over it?

i am a failure, and i live in desperate wait for a success, a miracle.
maybe we just pass the good things by,

i thank God for the wonderful opportunity.

it's funny how it all goes away when you divert your attention, take a step back, then rethink it through; for the tears that had seemed uncontrollable will evaporate.

congrats jiya, xinqi and fee (:

-

ihg tennis was kick-ass and a total blast! XD reluctant guanrong and i, but hell
it was damn fun[ny]!
playing against total-tennis-illiterates (and so were we) and laughing till i almost cried,
squashers totally rock at tennis hahaha :D WE HIT THE BALL SO HARD IT GOES OUT HALF THE TIME! XD and boasts and backwalls and drops FTW!

-

it's over.

it's getting harder to breathe.

2007-07-30T19:39:00.000+08:00

it's getting harder to breathe.

They were right; human emotions are the most dangerous things to work with, even compared to the most fatal chemicals.
One wrong move and everything could go wrong.

and mine: they're getting brittler by the day too.

why am i the way i don't want to be.
i think, i'm starting to hate myself, cause i can't accept. and i wouldn't find it surprising if others can't and hate me too.

I am such an idiot, I really am. These goals just don't work out for me.

it's not over tonight, just give me one more chance to make it right.

-

nicol david and jenny duncalf ftw!
pro squash in action is a total eye opener.
if only they had autographed our squash courts too (:
squashers = <3> and the where's-my-10-cent-coin-game ftw! i laughed till i almost cried (:
i ~~should get~~ need a camera real soon :D

-

the seconds are ticking by,
i wait for the moment of truth.

please please please.

come what may,

for love loved you best,

i don't wanna miss a thing,

2007-07-29T16:05:00.000+08:00

i don't wanna miss a thing,

but i don't want reality either.

the truth is such a hard blow, or so i make it out to be.

2007-07-29T13:43:00.000+08:00

ohmygoodness seriously seriously WHY DOES HOLLISTER HAVE TO CHANGE THE FASHION SO QUICKLY.

I WANT A HOLLISTER SPREE, SOMEONE? :D

diet hiatus.

2007-07-29T13:20:00.000+08:00

Sticky delicieux magnifique M&M chocolate pies destroy my diet.
i swear i need a big diet, i look like a... barrel.

(i can't say i tried to say no)

2007-07-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

45 emails, a major inbox flood and 8 minutes to midnight makes this issue a big one, I guess. SERIOUSLY, 45?!

15 down, 17 to go.
and i'm having seconds thoughts about the class, really.

rationality pwnz irrationaity.

TIME BOMB.

2007-07-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

I am living in a time bomb.
because I am just living for a day, where I will shatter.

Disappointed ): I WANTED A GOLD. for smo
but I suppose all that glitters ain't gold.
but then again, it was a big dream. and it's gone and slipped by,
call me stupid.

daaang.

I am foolishly waiting,
for something I know I will not get yet am pinning my hopes on it; I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I want it, I really do.
but what can I do?

for we are just helpless mortals,

I live till a day where I will shatter inside; hopes dashed and soul smashed.

-

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight

maybe i'm just making it hard.

'cos i can't take the storm,
and i want far too much.

-

maroon 5 is love.

scc is such a high class club; it looks like the parliament house.
the food rocks, my diet went on a hiatus but badly needs to go on.
my squash sucks.
I NEED TO FIND KARMA.

i need to find answers, i need enlightenment, i need to reach a peak, i need to understand so much, now. i don't even know what i'm doing, i don't know what i am, i don't know who i am.
this is all just slipping away, and i'm letting it go with my door wide open.

my defences are weak, and my mind is a whirl.

i need to be satisfied with my lot, but i don't have much of a lot.

why can't i?

i realise how quickly i slip into [day]dream land.

did i mention i screwed up chem?
not new, is it; i think i'm screwing everything up now, with my own hands, including my life.

i think i'm emo-ing.

fear.

2007-07-26T20:53:00.000+08:00

these few days have been scary.

I don't know what I'm doing any more, and I can't even think straight anymore.
I can't even think, for that matter.

maybe it's part of this life;

i've been sleeping and waking up at the weirdest places ever, and waking up when my memory fails me and i don't know if it's all been a dream;
i've been having the weirdest dreams that i sometimes can't even differentiate from reality;
'ive been worrying about things i ought not to worry about, that i have never worried about till now;
i've been living through each day like it was meant to be, and because i have to live through it, but i know it's not.

i'm losing myself.

i need to fight, to fight for whatever i'm losing.
i need to find more meaning.

i don't even know if i'm even trying, because my mind and my soul ain't in unison now.

chem SA tomorrow, wish me luck;
i love my textbook because it's worth every single cent, and it explains chem much better than a/the teacher does;
and i finally see the light in my chemistry life.

joy.

yo

2007-07-25T19:18:00.000+08:00

i have nice batchmates :D
what with counting taxis and warped busrides.

and nice coaches, who give sweets/reverse to chase a dog away xD;
and nice seniors,
and juniors.
:D

I LOVE RGSQUASH007.

today was a mad rush :/

waking up at 4am and sleeping til 5.30,
sleeping before school starts and conveniently wetting my table,
sharpening mwasa's pencil and doodling abstract art,
amc, increasing difficulty, and counting crazy squares/not understanding half the questions,
supposedly cabbing to training but walking in the end while counting taxis (a very good motivational passing-time activity),

ah, this life is joy.

I am happy because I got the same answer as 213 people for one question and that usually means something good. :D

i hope everything works out.

i'm just a kid, and life is a nightmare.

2007-07-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

I WANT TOO MUCHHHH :/

today i went out, and fell in love with;

a puma shirt,
the sony cybershot t10[0],
the sony ericsson s500i,
the blue 4gb ipod nano,
lots of bags,
the esprit shirt,
and practically everything i saw.

but my wallet robbed me of my loves.

and my haircut cost 18 bucks, while my sis's washing + cutting hair = $22 (which means her haircut cost 12 bucks).
life is so unfair. 'TIS NOT MY FAULT MY HAIR IS [SO] THICK.
rawr. >(

i don't know.

2007-07-21T16:42:00.000+08:00

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

I guess I think too much.
And maybe I inflict the hurt onto myself.

because I don't even know myself any more,
where the real me is, or whether there is a real me. and how to find out, i don't know either.
i don't know why.
i don't know a lot of things, do i.

and i am so freaking sensitive it sucks.

why must the boundaries of comparison exist? why can't i be known the way i am,
an intrusion into my life, and worse still, they're taking it in.

and i love the ones who don't.

it's hurting.
and it's my fault.

break with the ones you've followed,

they don't care less,

2007-07-20T18:34:00.000+08:00

SHITTT got scolded again for it.
i'm really sorry, but i can't predict the future.

HELPPP. this is getting harder than i thought it was.

Anyway. Geee training today was nice and slack, apart from the pt.
next year for rhd, fee's gonna wear a wedding dress! >< seriously. and i will wear i-don't-know-what. and saris are sooo common! jojo has a trademark kimono!

Lunch today with the squashoes. well not really lunch, because I didn't exactly eat.
BECAUSE I AM ON A DIET.
because my fats are bulging out
and it's ruining my self esteem.

is this harder than it gets?

they don't care less,

bet on it.

2007-07-19T20:16:00.000+08:00

i wanna know if there's a path taking,
should i question every move i make?

i don't want to make the same mistake.

bet on it.

LOVE THIS SONG THANK YOU BAOBEE WHOOOOO.
but don't love zac efron xD
WHERE'S VANESSA HUDGENS IN THIS SONG.

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me, they really do. If I means I scare myself too, it's true. more of disgust though.
am riding through it, and life's too short to be small, so i will enjoy it as much as i can.

rhd tomorrow; - 多元文化的新加坡万岁！(:

Today's english lesson was super funny, what with making connections between homosexuality, male chauvinism, and female chauvinism xD and of course, the connection between flowers of civilisation and the use of synthetic grass in all singapore school = synthetic grass flowers of civilisation!

vote dee! :D

because i don't care,

2007-07-18T22:54:00.000+08:00

and because i don't care,
i don't freaking care anymore.
or maybe it could be me forcing myself not to care,

because i don't want to think of it anymore.

i'm forcing it back.

and i'm watching as the clock laughs at me, as the seconds go by,
watching as my heart shatters,
watching,
and i will suffer in silence, because i'd rather do that than have it happen again. silence, because i will not say anything, or will not do anything

because i don't want to care.

damn it.

why am i so freaking sensitive.

2007-07-18T19:57:00.001+08:00

I have nice seniors :D

2007-07-18T18:23:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU ALL MY WONDERFUL TAGGERS (:

just read a blog, and I agree totally.
sometimes, you just have to let go, and pretend it's not true.
and get on with life, like any other day.

and i've been a fool all along, and these things i should have known long ago.

2007-07-17T22:44:00.000+08:00

you ask if we're close?

no we're not, because the simple truth can't even be told. and the harsh barrier of truth and time separates it all.

and i don't even know what's happening to me now.
this is all just a nightmare, or so i delude myself.

i don't know what's becoming of me, or what i'm becoming.

seems like i don't know anything;
- i don't even know who i am.

2007-07-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

THANKS ANNA (:

and i know i could just cry now, but

i'll fight it off then, and i hope i'll be strong.
because this insensitivity and paranoia is just killing me, and the pretence is too.

because it's all about battles, is it?

and i am tired, tired of fighting; but i will hold on,
if i can.

and i'm doing it so it won't happen again, because i am freaking insensitive, and freaking paranoid, and maybe it's that that causes this.

if i had a wish, i'd wish i could see the pure truth for once, just once. without any facades, or any pretence.

the harsh truth.

2007-07-17T19:51:00.000+08:00

this time, it's for real.

This is for the ones who believe their lives won't change
Hoping that someday things will mend and be the same
And this is for the ones who have lost it all
And all that's left to gain
Is a simple reminder that the things that we're blind to slip away

How can I say
Say I'll be okay

because I'm not.

the words are ringing in my head, and they refuse to go.
Thank you, for giving me this wake up call to reality. I don't know what to say; I won't say anything.

maybe it's better this way, maybe it's the way things were meant to be.

maybe it's just too harsh, the truth is too harsh.
and maybe,
or actually,

I'm just a failure at everything.

2007-07-17T17:06:00.000+08:00

It's happened again, and it's indescribable.

why.

I don't know either, it just sucks to be stuck in the middle. And all this pretence sucks too.
And I suck too, and I can't get anything right.

if I were you, I'd laugh at a failure too.

splattered paint over a pretty picture.

D-R-A-I-N-E-D.

2007-07-16T23:14:00.001+08:00

where did I go right,

D-R-A-I-N-E-D.

it's 11.15, 1 hour since I've come back. My eyelids are drooping and everything's heavy, and blur.

Today was a happy day, because I did things I'd never think I could've done, in terms of ability.
And those failures seem miles away.

And so does my brain.

I CAN'T DO ANY WORK.

was it right, to make this choice?
but anyway i've made it so wish me luck on my journey through (: